Do You Love Somebody

"Travel can be one of the most rewarding forms of introspection"
Lawrence Durrell

Whenever I leave that which is familiar, break out of my routine, it allows my inner voices to be heard.
Maybe they speak a little louder or I listen with renewed interest. Life becomes clearer when I step away from it.

I wrote this piece after I spend Thanksgiving with my cousin, Heather, and her family in Rochester, MN.
I have changed some of the names of the men in this piece to protect their privacy.

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“Do you love somebody?” Angela asks innocently.

I sit in stunned silence, wondering how this angelic four year old can see so deeply into
my soul. Do I tell her that until recently, there was a man who filled my heart? A man I held onto for a beat too long, because the heartache reminded me that I was alive. I clung to the hope that this time he would love me enough. But he didn't. Not enough to take a chance on love. Do I tell her that my life had been plagued by men who loved me, but not enough?

I look up at Angela's mother, my cousin Heather, who sits at the other end the kitchen island, pretending not to hear, or not to care. Being the 40 year old cousin who has never married
carries a certain stigma to it. One side of my family harbors secret thoughts that I might...
gasp...be gay. The others just don't ask anymore, either out of pity or boredom. I dream of the day I will bring a man home for the holidays and make everybody choke on their turkeys and stuffing.

But mostly I just dream of the day when I will find a mate who will love me. Enough. This one time. It only has to happen once. I no longer have schoolgirl fantasies about finding a man who will complete me or sweep me away on the wings of romance. I just want somebody who will believe in me, support my choices, bad and good. Wake up with me in the morning and think bed head is sexy and that the cats curled up next to us make good family too.

“Do you love somebody?”

Angela is patiently playing next to me, waiting for an answer. Angela, who I met for the first time yesterday and who instantly became my shadow. Angela, who senses the emptiness inside me.
Earlier in the day we had gone to the Festival of Trees, over a hundred trees decorated by local businesses. She had slipped her tiny hand in mine eager to see the trees but needing the security
of love and safety from those around her. Infused with bravery, she pulled me along to discover each new tree, touching the ornaments, marveling at the colors and lights. I think about the first moment of trust, when her hand curled in mine.

“I love you.” I finally tell her. She giggles.

“Not a girl. Do you love a boy?”

This kid is not letting me off the hook. I can see Heather hiding a smile as she makes herself busy
in the kitchen.

Do I love a boy? I want to love a boy and I want a boy to love me back. I think of Aaron, my fiancé, who turned out to be gay. And Steve, who died too young. Tal, whose choice in life was to not make decisions. And Mark, who lied about his girlfriend. I did love a boy. I loved a bunch of boys. And
they loved me. But not enough. And now I find my heart empty and lonely.

“I'm looking for a boy to love. Do you know of any? Will you help me look?”

“Do you like my dad?”

As any good daughter would do, she offers up the man who loves her unconditionally.

“I do like your dad. But I'm pretty sure that your mom is in love with your him so he's not available.”

Heather laughs aloud at this exchange, unable to hide her mirth any longer and she finally comes to my rescue, distracting Angela with a cookie. Soon Angela has forgotten all about her question and is playing with her two sisters, while Heather sits nearby.

Watching Heather and her family I am overwhelmed with emotion. I realize how full of love my life is and for this moment, in this place.....that is enough.